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Let's talk about influence: I am offering a free 30 minute Maven webinar this Thursday, May 1st, on the topic of growing your executive influence to get things done, drawing on my own journey as a stubborn high-minded engineer learning how to more effectively communicate with executives. Sign up at https://maven.com/p/842d74/grow-your-executive-influence-and-get-things-done ; even if you can't make it live, you'll get the recording afterwards.
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I'll also be presenting the same influence talk live to a LeadDev Meetup in SF on the evening of Thursday, May 8th if you want to see me in-person.
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This talk about influence will also serve as a preview for the next cohort of my class Become a More Effective Executive, which will run on Thursdays starting May 8th. Check it out if you have wondered how successful executives operate or what might be holding you back from getting more scope or recognition. As a special thank you for my newsletter readers, I am offering a 25% discount using the code GRATITUDE, which is available via this link.
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As I mentioned in the last newsletter, I took over 3 weeks off for a parental leave trip with my family in April.
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I originally described the trip as a vacation. But "vacation" didn't feel like it quite described the experience of traveling through Southeast Asia for 3 weeks with 3 young children, including a baby.
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Once I reframed the trip for myself as parental leave rather than vacation, my expectations changed, which led to a better experience for me and my family. Rather than thinking of it as a vacation that would be relaxing or recharging for me, parental leave put the focus on spending time with my family. As discussed last time, I tried to find the overlap between things I wanted to do with what my kids wanted to do, whether it was playing in the pool together, or exploring new places on foot.
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Crucially, I came in with more realistic expectations this time. On other family vacations, I planned to do more serious reading or writing with my "time off", and then beat myself up for not meeting those expectations. But this time, I recognized that managing the logistics of activities and kids each day was going to take most of my energy, so I didn't expect myself to then read a difficult book or string together coherent sentences in the downtime I did have. I also didn't expect to get any work done, so I did truly disconnect, and instead read a couple novels and re-read some old favorites.
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Another way in which I set expectations was having a conversation with my wife before the trip of how we would handle the fact that I get overwhelmed while traveling, occasionally needing alone time to reset my nervous system from all the newness. My wife told me to proactively take that time for myself, and I took her up on that offer a few times during the trip where she would take the kids out by herself for a morning or afternoon, or I'd head to the hotel gym for an hour. And we stayed at a couple hotel resorts that had "kid's clubs" where we could drop off our older kids for hotel babysitting; our kids enjoyed the chance to play with other kids and do creative activities, and we enjoyed more relaxation time.
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More generally, it was a reminder that expectations set our experience.
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- If we expect to have a bad time, we will look for evidence to support that expectation.
- If we expect to be exhausted, we will pay attention to what's exhausting.
- If we expect to have a great time, we will look for the bright spots each day that are exciting and energizing (this is the benefit of a gratitude practice).
- If we start a project with unrealistic expectations of how easy it will be, then we will beat ourselves up even if we actually delivered great results given the circumstances.
- If we expect something to be hard, then we aren't disappointed or frustrated when it turns out to be hard. That applied to this trip for me once I stopped thinking of it as a vacation, but it applies at work - most frustration in the workplace arises because we expect our leaders or coworkers to behave differently from the way they do. When we reset our expectations to accept that they won't change from the people that they are, then we will no longer be disappointed (this is covered in chapter 4 of my book, You Have A Choice).
My other takeaway from the trip is to articulate what I want and what I'm feeling so that we can make a plan together. I was more proactive this trip to share how I was feeling, and it led to a better experience for everyone. Instead of completely exhausting myself pushing past my limits in silent resentment, I eased up when I hit the "yellow zone" and relied more on my wife and kids to support me. To do that, I had to accept that I couldn't do it all, and I could ask for help. That acknowledgment is not easy for me, but that's why it is so beneficial when I can do so.
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What expectations do you have about your life right now that might not be realistic? What could you change about your expectations to accept the way things actually are, rather than how you wish they would be?
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And now for the normal personal development content…
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LinkedIn: These are ideas that have helped my clients (or myself), and that I share via LinkedIn to help a wider audience, and archive here.
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- Agency is focusing on the end result you want, not the potential or actual obstacles to that result. When you think of a potential goal, it’s easy to think of all the reasons why it will be hard or even impossible to get to that goal. And if you focus on those real and imagined obstacles, you will never get started. But if you turn it around (invert, always invert), and ask “what would have to be true for me to succeed at this goal?", then you'll figure out a path forward. It turns out that you can often make far more progress than you might imagine if you start with that positive mindset.
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A few articles that caught my attention on changing expectations recently:
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- You Can't Not Say Anything, by Jerry Colonna, about how leaders can take responsibility for explicitly acknowledging that the state of the world feels profoundly dangerous for many people:
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Redemptive leadership, as I’ve been exploring it, is about just this:
Making those small choices.
Not once. But again and again. And again.
To speak when it would be easier to stay silent.
To name what aches.
To give shape to the unsaid, so that others may feel seen, not alone.
It is an act of courage. And, perhaps more importantly, an act of love.
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Preparing to do the thing isn't doing the thing.
Scheduling time to do the thing isn't doing the thing.
Making a to-do list for the thing isn't doing the thing.
Telling people you're going to do the thing isn't doing the thing.
Messaging friends who may or may not be doing the thing isn't doing the thing.
Writing a banger tweet about how you're going to do the thing isn't doing the thing.
Hating on yourself for not doing the thing isn't doing the thing. Hating on other people who have done the thing isn't doing the thing. Hating on the obstacles in the way of doing the thing isn't doing the thing.
Fantasizing about all of the adoration you'll receive once you do the thing isn't doing the thing.
Reading about how to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Reading about how other people did the thing isn't doing the thing. Reading this essay isn't doing the thing.
The only thing that is doing the thing is doing the thing.
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- Stoop Coffee: How a Simple Idea Transformed My Neighborhood, by Patty Smith, sharing how she and her husband met their neighbors and created a thriving in-person community by the simple act of starting to drink their weekend coffee together outside in SF. I loved this as an example of how small acts can lead to a snowball effect if you do them consistently - the coffee chats led to a WhatsApp group, a block party, and a greater interdependence where the community can rely on each other for help. But it all started by a small change to expect that neighbors were meant to be interacted with, rather than avoided.
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Thanks for reading, and see you in a couple weeks!
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What I loved most about Malaysia was how multicultural it was, with influences from British colonialism, India, China, as well as the native Malay culture. The Batu Caves were a great example - a Hindu temple built inside of a jungle hill cave, on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur with its multiple skyscrapers.
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This is the Too Many Trees newsletter, where I share what I’ve been writing and reading in the realm of leadership and personal development. My executive coaching practice is centered around the idea that we are more effective in moving towards our goals when we become more conscious and intentional in focusing our time and attention, and learn how our unconscious patterns are holding us back. If you know somebody that could benefit from my perspective, please forward this to them or let them know they can set up a free intro chat with me.
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